This is NOT an April Fool!

"Hello love, this is not an April Fool" is how I started the telephone call to the husband this morning.

"But I really don't feel very well, and I think I need an ambulance" is how it continued.

Can only imagine how the poor fella felt upon hearing these words. He was over an hour away in Kilkenny this morning, instead of being at the farm less than a mile away...but I felt so odd, so very ill, and I knew the quickest way to get an ambulance here was to let him deal with it.

We live in a rural part of Ireland...where your address is your townsland, not your property name. Properties around here don't generally have nice identifying names, like "The White Cottage" or similar, and a host of local houses, farms and dwellings would all share the same postal address. And roads don't have names or numbers either. We've been here for 7 years, but if chatting to a local, trying to describe where you live, all efforts draw a blank face, until you say its T** M****'s old cottage or next to J** E*****'s dairy parlour...and then the facial expression changes to one of total recognition. And I knew that time was running out for my mental capacities, and me trying to explain to the Emergency Dispatch operator where exactly to send the ambulance was going to be nigh on impossible. So I handed that responsibility to my husband so that I could concentrate on trying to remain upright, and trying to keep breathing...a feat which was getting more and more difficult to maintain by the second.

What was going on? Well, at the time I didn't have a clue. All I knew was that something was seriously wrong. It had come on suddenly, and was getting worse, very quickly!

That morning, as usual, I got up, set the coffee machine going, took the dogs out for a wee, poured a mug of coffee. Took a blood pressure pill, with a swallow of coffee. I'd been up a bit during the night with bad period pains, and could feel them just starting to niggle. Day 2 of my cycle,and if any day is going to be bad, typically it is day 2....so as I have done, on every other bad cycle day (thankfully few 7 far between) I decided to take a Difene, to get a head start on it, before the pain took hold and nothing would shift it. Difene shouldn't be taken on an empty stomach, but not feeling hungry, I drank a glass of milk with it instead. As I have done almost every other time I've taken it, or other meds that need to be taken with or after food.

I settled with my mug of coffee, to watch a bit of mindless television, do a bit of knitting (rock & roll!) and sort out in my head what I needed to do for the day ahead.

Then, woompf...my head felt hot, very hot, psycho hot...like it was going to explode. I swear, if I'd looked in a mirror at that very second I would not have been surprised to see my whole head raspberry red and glowing. Then the itching started...mad itching, everywhere, I just couldn't scratch fast enough, hard enough, or in enough places at the same time. It felt like my entire skin was crawling. Then my heart started racing, I had the sense of mind to check my pulse in my neck, and it came back at a whopping 130/min...yikes! I fumbled for my home blood pressure machine, and struggled to get it on my left arm...all the while the itching was unbearable, and my head was boiling. "ERROR", try again, "ERROR". Chest feels tight, struggling to get air in....so that's when I decided I needed to make a call. "Hello love, this is not an April Fool..."

I tried 3 more times to get the blood pressure machine to take a reading, but I just kept coming back with "ERROR".

Husband phones back, the ambulance is on its way.

So, my practical side kicks in, and I think of the things I need to do before they get here whilst I can still just about stand and move about. Legs are very wobbly, breathing is now really hard work and my head is spinning with mega-dizzy spells, but I get the dogs shut away. I find my hoody, and make sure my mobile phone is in my handbag. I put my handbag near the front door. I grab my meds box and stick it on the kitchen table. That way I can easily direct the paramedics to see what I have taken that morning. I am surprised looking back now, remembering how awful (and scared) I felt at the time, at how sensible, practical and organised I was, in getting stuff sorted and ready for their arrival. But by the time they got here (not sure how long, but less than 10 mins) I had given up. Front door was wide open, bedroom door was wide open, and I was lying on the bed, unable to stand up anymore, in total agony from severe abdominal pains which have come out of nowhere, and seemingly have come to join the *fun party* that the rest of my body is having at my expense. My head is feeling like a piping hot baked potato, chest so tight I can barely draw breath, my speech is slurred and finding words in my head is almost impossible and my pulse has now massively slowed down and is so feint I can hardly feel it. And, whilst going through all this, all I can think of is "I hope ***** isn't working today because the house is a mess!" (our landlord is a paramedic).

When they do arrive I see that another paramedic friend is working today instead, and the very first thing I manage to blurt out is "I'm so glad its you working and not *****, please don't tell him about the mess in the hallway." A girl has to get her priorities right! But that outburst takes away all my remaining energy, and I collapse back on the bed, and can only then manage to grunt and gurgle at them in answer to all the questions they're firing at me. I have stuff stuck on me, things poked in me, torches shined at me, hands pressing me, and feel their blood pressure cuff inflating again and again and again. Its not reading, so they take a 2nd blood pressure machine out of the ambulance and that takes two more efforts before it finally gives a reading....low, very, very low...obviously too low for my humble home machine to detect, and the paramedic's first machine couldn't read it either. They do more stuff to me, fire more questions at me, then I'm put in the ambulance.

Various sticky electrodes are stuck on me, and I'm plugged into the heart trace machine. The abdominal pain is becoming totally unbearable, being strapped flat on the ambulance trolley is not helping, I feel I want to curl up in a tight ball and moan loudly, instead they plug the happy gas mask on my face. My friend is wondering if I've tweaked my vagus nerve, causing the blood pressure to crash. But that only explains one symptom doesn't it. I'm feeling a little better, and almost able to hold a proper conversation. But the abdominal pains are coming in waves now, so I go quiet every now and then and ride the pain through as best I can.
We discuss last night's meal, in case food poisoning is another option. But I get the impression he's really scratching his head over this one.
The conversation keeps coming back to the Difene. Did I eat anything, have I taken it before, why did I take it, what as it prescribed for.
At one point I ask them to turn back (only half joking) because I've left my knitting on the table. Surprisingly they don't.

When we get to the hospital I feel fine. I really do feel fine. I joke that if they are heading back to my home town (where the local ambulance station is located) could they give me a lift. They are having none of it, and I'm taken into the A & E department. By this time my blood pressure is almost back to normal. My blood sugars are good (they always check this, I obviously look like I *should* be diabetic). My pulse is back to normal. Only the dizziness and abdominal pains remain. They are similar to period pains, but in slightly the wrong place.

The duty doctor tries to take bloods...I say tries...I really have no idea what he was doing. But by the time he'd finished there was blood all down my top, all down my arm, all over the bed, all over my thigh...and very little in the sample tube. He stuck a cannula in, so that if more was needed he didn't have to go digging. I swear I looked like car crash victim by the time he finished taking blood. I am SO thankful to have a wonderful GP who is seemingly a true artist when it comes to taking blood samples...no pain, not even a scratch, no marks, nothing. If I would give her 10/10 for her phlebotomy skills, I'd struggle to give the A &E doc 1/10...! I don't know quite how he did the cannula either, but all the while the cannula was in I couldn't bend that arm, and it was almost constant pain, felt like I had a knife in there, stuck at right angles. Perhaps it was intentional, to keep my mind off my other symptoms?

He paraded a line on fellow doctors past me, all asking the same questions and doing the same things to me. But it all kept coming back to the Difene.

Then the news filtered back from the labs that the first blood samples had haemolyzed...quelle surprise! And so he came at me with the test tubes again for more blood...and even with cannula in place, still managed to spill more blood all down me!

At this point the abdominal pains were all but gone, and I hadn't had a dizzy spell for a while. Getting fed up with his incompetence, I was ready to go home. But oh no, he was adamant that I needed to be admitted overnight, for observation. We had a bit of a row over it, and he dragged out a form for me to sign, acknowledging that I was leaving against medical advice. I said I didn't want to leave against medical advice, but I didn't want to take up a precious bed space when I was clearly feeling fine, so would much rather he discharged me.

The bloods came back fine. They also did a thyroid panel, standard procedure because I don't have a thyroid gland, but those results wouldn't be back for 2 days. But the immediate blood results were all grand. I repeated that I wanted to go home. He insisted I stay in overnight. Round and round we went.

I got sent to the Clinical Assessment ward. 3 More consultants came and asked me the same questions, poked me in the same places, and all muttered about Difene. One more consultant came in, read through my notes, murmured to himself. Then stated that whilst they would like me to stay in for observation, they were also happy for me to go home if I preferred, on the understanding that if any of the symptoms occurred again I was to come straight back. Yay! A compromise I was entirely happy with! They removed my sexy hospital ID bracelet, and a nurse, sent from the gods, finally removed the evil cannula...without spilling a single drop of blood, amazing! The final diagnosis was that although they couldn't say 100%, the mostly likely candidate was an anaphylactic reaction to the Difene. Mild in many ways (no throat swelling etc), serious in others (racing pulse, BP crash, shortness of breath), but if that was mild, I can only imagine how scary a full-on anaphylactic attack is...this morning I was truly terrified.

My husband rocks, and I apologise wholeheartedly for giving him the phone call from hell this morning. The remaining Difene tabs are going back to the chemist tomorrow, to be disposed of.

Painkillers, Bloodtests & Cinnamon Bagels

Today I'm sore again. My neck / throat hasn't physically hurt for a good while. Its been uncomfortable, its felt awkward, it's nearly always stiff, it generally feels like someone has a good tight, choke-hold around it....but it hasn't been sore. Yet today it is hard to swallow, no, painful to swallow...and ironically, swallowing the painkillers this morning was the hardest thing to do. I almost gave up on lunch completely, and was tempted to make a cup-a-soup instead. Its not sore in a 'sore throat' flu way, but sore as in it felt like I was trying to push food or liquids down past a very solid (and bruised) brick...and occasional stabbing pains in my chin area, and in the left-side of my neck.

I don't know why today should be any different, why I have this throat / neck pain. I have a stupid little theory that my painkillers are working so hard on my period pains - which usually cripple me, to the point of lying on the floor flailing & wailing like I'm in labour, and which are currently barely even making background noise in the pain-stakes - that they aren't working on my neck pain. Highly improbable, but its an explanation which my head is happy to settle with.

Hubby and I headed off to my Doctor this morning (I'm still not able to drive) to get my blood tests done, in anticipation of my Endo appointment next week. The first trip was a wasted effort as she had swapped her Nursing Home Visit from Wednesday to Tuesday, so we went home for an hour or two. I made a Chocolate Biscuit Cake (diet is back on the shelf for another week ), whilst hubby made the most of his morning off from work, and caught up on Top Gear re-runs on the Dave channel. We went back after 11.30 am and it was 2nd time lucky. I explained about today's pain, and how I hadn't had actual pain in my neck since I left hospital, but she reminded me that after a thyroidectomy, my oesophagus was likely to be sore for a surprisingly long time. And that it would most probably continue to remind me occasionally that I wasn't as healed as I thought I was.

I also surprised myself by explaining to her that whilst in general I feel OK, I also feel like I'm still 'treading water', only now instead of waiting for my op, and thus in my head for the rest of my life to begin, I'm now sitting around waiting to start feeling hypO. I was just sitting there in the waiting room, thinking to myself how cold it felt. Then I started looking at the other people sitting there, and wondering if they felt a little cold too, or if it was just me. I almost collapsed with relief when one lady piped up to her neighbour and commented on how cold the waiting room was, given the sunny weather outside! Phew, not just me then! Until that moment I don't think I'd even confessed to myself how much I have been possibly over-analysing every little feeling and trying to fit them into the well-known list of classic hypO symptoms.

We also discussed the info I'd discovered on possibly interactions between Xenical and Levothyroxine / Eltroxin. And she reassured me that she had a few thyroid patients successfully combining Eltroxin and Xenical, showing good weight loss, with no significant impact on the efficacy of the Eltroxin. So once the Chocolate Biscuit Cake is safely eaten up and out of my fridge, I'll consider digging out the magic blue pills again. She reassured me that they would be monitoring my thyroid levels *very* closely over the next few months, and that any dose changes needed, would be picked up very quickly. So now was as good a time as ever to start back on the Xenical, if I wanted to do so. But she did also say that if I didn't feel ready to knuckle down on the diet again, and wanted more recovery time, to make my own judgement as to when to start back on the diet pills again. She knows, as well as any of us girls do, that sometimes, when you're feeling low, or in pain, or just a little sorry for yourself...chocolate *IS* the only remedy! :)
(And chocolate is most certainly *NOT* an option when you're taking Xenical!)

In other news...is there a world shortage of Cinnamon Bagels, or is it just localised to my town? I'm hooked on them...but my long suffering husband took me from shop to shop searching for them, and in the end I had to settle for 'fruit loaf' instead....and there is just NO comparison.

Grrrrr...Endo Woes!

Well the Endo appointment was mostly a total waste of time, diesel & effort

Both my Endo consultant and his senior registrar were out on leave, and their stand-in was an obnoxious prat, with no clue of my medical history, no clue of my medical future, and absolutely no interest in either...and who proceeded to ignore my blood results and talk *at* me for 20 minutes, holding forth as if he was the almighty righteous who dare not be questioned on anything...after 19 minutes I finally gave up and stopped disagreeing with him *LOL*

However, the nurses were delighted (for once!) with my pre-appointment weigh-in...and also confirmed my operation should be within the next 3 months.

Today's weigh-in...mixed emotions, but mostly positive.
The bad news is that I'm *UP* 2lbs this week....but the good news is that I expected more, so I am actually pleased that the damage is *only* 2lbs...there is logic there, I promise....bear with me.

Whilst I spanked the Wii Fit Plus this week like a mo'fo'....doubling my daily workouts are really pushing myself....I did also have the food weekend from hell (or heaven, depending on your view point ) and knowing this, I committed the unspeakable, cardinal sin of going off the Xenical pills from Thursday lunchtime in preparation so I could eat badly with no 'tango' concerns all weekend ...and combined with the fact that I'm smack bang in TOTM territory....I hope you can see how I would be pleased with *only* a 2lb gain. I think I'm totally indebted to Wii Fit Plus for sparing me utter mortification on the scales this morning

The line was drawn last night, and I'm back on the Xenical, and back on track this morning....that 2lb will be history this time next week

Next Endo appt is in 1 month...assuming I haven't been admitted for surgery before then.

Latest Xenical Update

OK so I'm up 1 lbs this week....but actually I'm delighted with that.

This weekend just passed was going to be a bad one, so I deliberately went off the pills from Friday morning to reduce any potential side effects...which were thankfully minimal! Back on them this morning - Monday - of course, and back on track.
But is it bad to say I actually enjoyed not having to be quite so strict with stuff yesterday...I didn't go stupid, don't get me wrong, I still made better decisions over stuff than I would have done a month ago...but it was nice not to be such a food-weirdo and have to tell my hostess that I couldn't eat anything (or only *tiny* portions) of the amazing food she had gone out of her way to prepare for us all!
(and I still managed to cycle 8 miles on Saturday...and couldn't believe how much easier it is now to cycle those distances now!)

Added to that its also TOTM...well I say TOTM, but I think its more accurate to just say 'That Time'.....because my cycles are *SO* wildly irregular (thyroid blah!), it can be anything from Time Of The Month to Time of....2 months, 6 weeks, 3 months and even fortnightly (!!! and yes, fortnightly cycles ARE utter hell!).....currently this is Time Of...6 weeks...ho hum!
Apologies to all if that's TMI for you

So to only be up 1 lb this week is pretty miraculous in my eyes!

Didn't get a chance to play with the Wii Fit Plus yet...as we had major telly traumas....our TV proving far too prehistoric and ancient to allow the Wii to work....got that sorted thanks to a good friend who recently upgraded her Home Ents system, and we saved her old TV from the recycling centre! Never mind any animal welfare volunteering that hubby and I do...this weekend we did a bit of TV Welfare & Rescue! So I started Wii Fit Plus today too (works great for taking your mind off the crippling cramps!)...and I'm looking forward to seeing positive results & progress from supplementing my walking & cycling with the Wii

Ups & Downs

I'm just frustrated.

Through the month of January I lost 6 lbs in weight, without even trying. No honestly! The only reason I know I made the loss was due to some swanky new digital scales that my mum bought me...so, whilst making absolutely no effort to lose any weight I religiously jumped on them once a week, just to see what was going on. The weight was dropping off, with literally no effort at all on my part....wonderful! Losing weight, whilst finishing off the Christmas indulgences.....as well as having a January birthday, involving far too much of the wrong types of food and alcohol, whilst still losing weight....hurrah! (got to love the vagaries of Grave's Disease!)

So then I decide to make an effort. In the firm belief that I'm doing everything right I spend a week dutifully going for daily walks, working up a sweat, getting out of breath, drinking water until its coming out of my ears (just running to the loo every half an hour was surely an exercise in itself!), and really, really watching what I was eating.

Hubby had a 'cholesterol' warning at his last health check, so we've cut out as much fat as physically possible, dropped all salt, and we're both really making an effort to do things right. Eating oily fish, bulking up on vegetables, white meat, omega 3, 6, & 9's, cutting out the cheese, going for low fat options.

For the first time in the 10 years I've known him he's willingly drinking his coffee with low fat milk, and reaching for my Flora No Salt spread for his morning toast, when he's not doing himself up some porridge in the mornings, that is.

He doesn't need to lose weight...he's a total string bean, but I'm delighted to see him taking more of an interest in what he actually eats....the fact that he could eat tons of crap and not put on weight has always made me jealous, but watching him lay into the butter and grease has always worried me too.

So, we're making a concerted effort to eat properly, reading labels, avoiding processed food as much as possible etc etc etc.

After the first week of "Brand New Me"....I was a little disappointed to find the scales recorded a 3lb rise....wtf?

Unperturbed, I made some 'TOTM excuses'....ignored it and carried on with my new regime. 'TOTM' was late anyway, so can't honestly use that excuse for the first week of weight gain.

Then yesterday, after another week of walking (longer and further distances this week), getting sweaty (even sweatier than last week!) and out of breath (more huffy puffy than last week too!), with a 2 litre water bottle permanently fixed in my hand throughout the day, and not being put down until its empty in the evening, eating properly, breakfast, fruit, veggies, white meats, making my own wholemeal/wholegrain bread, wholegrain pasta, blah blah blah....and the scales show ANOTHER 3LB GAIN!!!! Now I'm seriously pi**ed off!

In actively trying to sort myself out and lose weight I've actually gained *all* the weight I lost, without trying, and I'm back weighing what I weighed on the 1st January this year!

So what the hell am I doing wrong?

I refuse to blame this on my thyroid, I can't keep going "oh its my thyroid" when my body doesn't work the way it should. I'm starting to believe I use that as an excuse all to often. Perhaps I'm in thyroid-denial?! Ha ha! I just don't believe that the simple fact of my blood levels going into HypOt are sufficient for me to add 6 lbs in 2 weeks, whilst actively trying to LOSE weight.....???

Yesterday's walk was really hard work, for the first time in two weeks I just couldn't get into it...my feet hurt from start to finish, my lower legs got too tight too early, my legs felt heavy, and I just found the whole thing a struggle. I forced myself to keep going, but slowed myself down and took it a lot easier....determined to keep going at all costs, but recognising that pushing myself too hard would be potentially more damaging, both physically and psychologically. And then around 10pm last night I suddenly felt really drained, and it was all I could do to sit in the armchair and hold my head upright....I said to hubby it just felt as if suddenly my engine had run out of fuel! There was still loads to do before I headed to bed, but I just couldn't get up and do them.

However, its not all doom and gloom! This morning's walk felt brilliant, everything went right, and it felt good to push myself a little bit harder than before. Maybe yesterday's walk was just a blip?

Oh, and one of my foster dogs *might* be off to a new home this weekend. Its very bitter-sweet, and the hardest part of being a foster...letting them go to their new homes, especially this one, he's the nicest lad and he's been here almost 2 years with absolutely no one showing any interest in offering him a new home....so we're thrilled to have finally found him his ultimate home (rural, and with three young boys to keep him amused), but he's been here so long he feels like part of the furniture, and we've watched him grow up and mature into a delightful well-mannered dog, from the total hooligan we took in all that time ago. Will be very sad to say goodbye, but he's going somewhere local, so once he's settled in to his new home we're really looking forward to being able to visit him and see him around locally.

Cycling, without a bike!

Monthly cycles again, this time an observation....

Been splitting my carbimazole for the last week, half dose in the morning, half dose in the evening - and not noticed any major change in the way I feel....BUT, the hugely maddening (driving me insane) 14-day cycle appears to be on the blink, however, SSSHHHHHHH! Don't tell it, I don't want to wake it up!

So, the way my cycle has been behaving in the last couple of months I should have started in the middle of last week, and currently be in the middle of hell on earth, and be house-bound to all intents and purposes....but I'm not, its late, its nearly a week late (and NO, *that* is not even worth considering, my libido has been through the floor for weeks, it'd be an immaculate conception ha ha!)....
So...is it possible that something as simple as splitting my dose to 12 hour intervals was enough to scare my cycle back into *normality* ??? (yay if its true!)

Does anyone like this theory? Experienced something similar?

Or is it possible that my cycle likes to keep me guessing and is simply changing its own rhythm yet again, ho hum :-(

What A Difference A Day Makes

...24 little hours....

So much to say, so little time.

First off, missed weighing on Thursday morning because I was rushing to get to a doctors' appointment...but I was delighted to hop on the scales Friday morning, straight out of bed, and note a 2lbs loss...yay me! That's 5 lbs since January 1st, without really trying...so this week I will drink more water, start a sensible walking plan, pay more attention to what I'm eating, and make some real effort. Roll on Thurs 5th February...

The doctor's appointment?...well, to get my latest blood test results back. Some good news, some bad news....the bad offsets the good, and makes me a little sad to be honest. The good news is that my liver function tests, which were previously way out (leading me to worry I'd over done things in my student days) were back in normal ranges (yay!), proving my doctor right when she said at the time it was mostly due to my thyroid levels, but that we'd look into them more closely in the future if they didn't settle after I'd started on the thyroid meds.
The bad news...I had some hormone tests done this time around because I've been having really sucky monthly cycles for the last while...mainly a fortnightly cycle instead of monthly, with horrendous 'flooding' to the point where I literally dare not leave the house, for up to 7 days at a time, unless I have packed a whole 'going out' bag, complete with several changes of clothing and mammoth supplies of sanitary supplies (TMI I know, sorry), and had knowledge of access to a bathroom at all times, at a moment's notice. Well apparently my oestradiol levels (I'm sure I learnt this is 'oestrogen' at school?) are low, which apparently explains the awful time I'm having right now...but we don't know why, so again, for now, we're lumping that into the 'thyroid' package. With no current treatment plan, unless it doesn't improve in the future...so, I'm still stuck on this ridiculous 14 day cycle with no hope forthcoming, and a running joke in this house is whether to volunteer for an elective hysterectomy....not something to joke about I know! But, this 14 day cycle is really driving me insane.

And the remaining bad news from my blood tests is that, the current dose of thyroid medication is working really well...so well in fact, that I've swung from firmly hypERthyroid, to firmly hypOthyroid....which explains a lot of (hopefully *all*) the nasty new symptoms I've been experiencing, some old symptoms are back with a vengeance, and some nasty new ones have reared their ugly heads. My doctor made me promise *not* to alter my medication levels until I've been to my next endocrinologist appointment (two weeks and counting!), but I'm finding it really depressing to take my medication every morning now, knowing that instead of making me feel better, they are actively making me worse....

Thank heavens for a really understanding and totally supportive hubby, who has seen me at my absolute worst (and my absolute best, I hasten to add) and knows that the short-temper and mood swings are currently beyond my control. And bless him for not making jokes about my dry, scaly 'lizard' hands right now...yes, another symptom, because I'm really suffering from sense-of-humour failure these days, and often taking previously-funny little comments way too personally. So thank you Blogger, for providing a supportive portal, where I can get all this crap off my mind, writing to people who understand and may or may not be going through the same thing, and for allowing me to give my husband a break from venting my problems to him.

Yesterday afternoon I went out to microchip 5 dogs (I'm a qualified microchipper, and volunteer for my local SPCA) and came home to find the river had burst its banks and we were flooded (again). Ho hum...nursed my car, through the flood, to some higher ground near the paddock, and went for a wade to assess the damage. It didn't come in the house, thank DoG, but it was a close run thing. And my 2 SPCA foster dogs were in their outdoor run, balancing on the last piece of dry land they could find. So, a quick trip indoors to re-arrange things with my own 5 dogs, and I brought those 2 outdoor boys indoors. A few grumbles, and the occasional bicker over beds, but the rest of the evening passed relatively un-eventfully...this house is *WAY* too small for 7 dogs indoors, especially when one of the dogs (my own) is a grumpy, possessive terrier, with small-dog Napoleon syndrome and an attitude problem. He wanted to spend the evening hanging off the throats of the in-comers...instead, he spent the evening confined to his crate, not ideal, but safer for everybody concerned, and meant we could all relax a little more in front of the TV for the evening, as the other 6 get on really well together. The 2 'outside' boys slept in the bathroom overnight, and I was delighted to find it clean as a whistle this morning, so I can hopefully tick off the 'house-trained' box on their adoption forms at least. The floods started to recede around 5am this morning, and I could flush the toilet for the first time in over 18 hours around mid-morning today, phew! The 'outside' boys are now back outside, with their wet bedding replaced with clean, dry bedding....and their kennel and dog-run now comprising of more dry land than water features so hopefully everybody is happy. My washing machine is currently running the gauntlet of getting some more dog bedding clean and ready. The rain hasn't stopped all day, and I'm expecting the river to rise again at some point (flash floods off the nearby mountain), so I don't want to be caught short with last night's wet dog bedding.

During the week, hubby and I made a pact to quit smoking. We set the quit-time as Saturday night (tonight!). He's been out and bought himself a pack of nicotine replacement patches, and I'm straightening my own head to go it alone with will-power. So tonight we smoke our last smokes. Tomorrow we plan to wake up and go smoke-free. In the past when one has decided to quit, the other hasn't.....so we've been yo-yo quitting for a long time now, and that doesn't work. We've both proved to ourselves that we can go without, but the temptation when the other partner is lighting up is just too much after a day or two...so tonight, we finish our packs, destroy and dispose of any remaining cigarettes in the house, and go to bed to face the new day. Fingers crossed it works this time, for good! The health benefits alone make this an incredibly sensible idea, but the other basic fact is that at the moment we just can't afford to keep going. We're compromising on our food shopping budget to buy cigarettes (and that is just STUPID!), we're raiding savings accounts, and last week, the ultimate embarrassment was purchasing a packet of cigarettes after breaking into my copper coin piggy bank, and laying out the money on the shop counter in 1cent and 2cent coins...that has got to be desperate, and I want some pride back!

The weather is just too bloody awful right now to be motivated about specifically going out walking, but I'm trying to make more effort in my daily chores to do them in a more active way to compensate. I stride out with the dogs around the fields, I don't move my car from place to place in town, instead I park more centrally, and walk from bank to shop, to chemist etc. I make myself do the stuff my thyroid tells me that I can't be bothered to do, and I'm getting stuck into house-cleaning with a frenzy of activity. As soon as the weather shows any sign of breaking (just stopping raining would be good enough!) I *will* get my walking boots on, and get the hell out there!

Aww, crap, this turned out to be a loooong entry....I really need to work on perfecting those short, snappy journal updates...thanks for reading this far, if you're still awake.

Let's Talk Symptoms

I have no clue as to what is going on right now!

I feel awful, I feel grumpy, I'm snappy, my blood pressure has gone haywire, my monthly cycle has gone stupid, and is now a 14 day cycle!! I have the hands of a lizard. My hair is disgusting, its gone brittle and is falling out again.

I find my brain has once again gone to total mush. I forget what I'm saying half the time, I struggle to find simple words in conversation, which is very frustrating. I have the same conversation over and over again with my (very patient) husband, because I've forgotten that I've already told him something, sometimes I'm telling him again less than 5 minutes later. And at other times I swear blind I've told him stuff, only for that particular conversation to have actually only taken place in my own head. I forget many basic things, eg locking the door when I go out. What I've even gone shopping for when I get there.

Yesterday, even with a shopping list in my hand, I found myself wandering totally aimlessly around the supermarket, in a total dreamland. When I got to the checkout it took several minutes before I registered the fact that the girl on the check-out was asking me a question?

For the first time in years my hands and feet are constantly cold....and I'm the girl with the reputation for never getting cold feet, for wearing my flip-flops all year round, even in the snow and frost.

My right eye gets sore occasionally, a dull pain in behind the eye, and I've noticed in the mirror that the pupil in my right eye *sits* slightly differently to the left. If I'm reading a book and I close one eye, my left eye will focus on the text, but my right eye can't.

Once again I'm the pyjama-wearing slob, who just 'can't be bothered' with anything.

According to my latest bloods I'm now firmly in the hypO camp...and I'm hating it. I don't get to see my endo for another few weeks, and my doctor made me promise not to self-medicate and not to reduce my meds until I have discussed it with my endo. Which makes the morning ritual of pill taking very depressing, as I know with each pill I swallow I am making myself worse not better.

I don't know what advice I need from you all, or even what discussion I'm looking to provoke...but just being able to pour all this out to folks who might understand is very probably therapy enough. (My husband tries his best, and is an utter saint to put up with me, especially at this time, but he doesn't really understand what I'm going through)

Currently no-one seems too bothered by my goitre? There has been no further investigation since the ultrasound scan in 2004, by a different medical 'specialist'. My current endo has barely mentioned it, although its bigger now than it was 4 years ago. And the other side has started to grow a little too. Should I be pushing harder to get it investigated. Sometimes my throat hurts (aches) and often its hard to swallow, like pushing food past a brick in my throat...I'm concerned about this, heck I'm very worried about it, but seemingly neither my doctor or my endo are, so should I just relax and ignore it?

And one more thing...my hubby and I *would* like to start a family. I fully understand that while I'm on carbimazole that's a complete no-no...and I also understand that because of my thyroid problems it might not even be possible. I also need to lose a significant amount of weight. But as I'm 35 this year, we'd obviously like start trying sooner rather than later. So anyone been in that position. How long am I likely to stay on the carbimazole? What are the long term med options. Do I just give up on the dream of ever having children?

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.